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Adventures in Rudemore

I was recently browsing through the electronics section of my local Salvation Army (I like to check out the old PC games) when I came across a title I'd never heard of before. Not that I've seen them all, by no means, but this one wasn't by a company I knew of nor had I even read about it anywhere.

It's called Adventures in Rudemore and it's from 1992. The graphics aren't too terrible for the time, they're digitized people against pre-rendered backgrounds. Sort of like Pit Fighter, if you remember that one. What struck me was the plot (or lack thereof) and the overwhelming tone of just about everyone in the game: that is, devastatingly insulting and mean.

And not even jovial little put-downs, but outright no-holds-barred hatefulness. Look at the screenshots I grabbed, those aren't one-off situations. That's the stuff I figured I could show online and still have it be SFW. Much of the game deals with your resemblance to both genitalia and Holocaust survivors.

The "plot" is you're playing Dyck Wishful, a squire who wants to be a knight. When the game begins, the Queen has been kidnapped and you decide to take a quest to find her. Your hope is that when you save her, she will grant you knighthood. Pretty straightforward stuff.

So you go from town to town, trying to gather information. But you can't. Nobody will tell you anything. Every greeting or inquiry is met with responses like, "Nice doublet; they sell men's clothes where you got that?" or "You know what's the difference between you and a bucket of shit? Not one thing. You are a living, breathing bucket of shit and I hate you."

And even when you find the Queen, you think maybe there's a glimmer the game will turn around. Maybe everyone in the land was under some sort of terrible spell. Nope. When you find the Queen, she farts on you.

Turns out she heard about your wanting to become a knight and thought it would be really funny to fake her own kidnapping so you'd come looking. She was waiting the whole time just to fart on you.

And after her rather terse and epithet-laden explanation of the above, the game ends. No credits, no celebration scene; it just puts you back at the command line with the send-off "Be sure to look for 'Adventures in Rudemore 2: The Return of Your Pitiful Antics You Moon-Faced Pus Chugger' in July 1993." Quite surreal, to say the least.

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Copyright © 2005-2013 Graham Cranfield