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I Discovered a Great Metal Band

As you may or may not know I am an avid music listener and am always on the lookout for the next big band. Well I think I found the band that could bring metal back to the forefront.

Last Tuesday I was down at Sacajawea Bar & Grill on West Main; it was 32¢ fajita night, and I wasn't really expecting to hear any great music. I just wanted to get my $1.28 on and then hit the mic over at Carrie Oakie's Bar & Grill on East Main. See I do this great version of Wild Thing where I pee on the audience, but that's another story.

Well there I was, all of 96¢ into my night when who takes the stage: Full Metal Wräkkit. I wish I'd had my camera because I tell you, they were dressed Hard. Core. I don't know what each member looked like individually because, like KISS, their stage gear obscured their true features. In this case it wasn't facepaint and big hair, but for real full suits of armor.

I'm not kidding, one of those dudes even had a goddamn fish on his helmet. I think it was the bassplayer. And as blown away as I was by this, that was nothing compared to their song. Yes, they only played one song. I guess wearing over 80 pounds of greaves and chestplates sort of limits your endurance, but hey, what a song. I transcribed it as best I could so you, too, could share my love for Full Metal Wräkkit.

Deathwarrior in the Valley of Hate Versus Devil-God the Underlord

Listen! all you wanderers
you vagabonds of fear,
Deathwarrior returns this eve
sweating blood and SPITTING TEARS!

[in a deep creepy voice]
"Twas only four short days ago
my Elven army laced their boots.
to the Valley of Hate! we raised the call:
Kiss your women and CUT YOUR ROOTS!"

[in a really really high pitch]
Slayer of Devil-God!
Devil-God the Underlorrrd!

[creepy voice]
"Our broadswords gleamed in blackened sun
our longbows taut and tinged with POISON!
'Give us this our daily dread'
we prayed and walked for days on...END!

"Whence came up yon Devil-God,
o'er Iron Hill with a black parade
of demons, harpies, wraiths and trolls
and manticores! Manticores? Well played!

With rebel yells we cast our spells
and lit the night up with our fight up
on the hill, OUR TIME TO KILL!
and blood was flowing, my hunger growing!"


Slayer of Devil-God!
Devil-God the Underlorrrd!

"My Elven army was destroyed
twas only Devil-God and I.
He smirked and flexed his awesome chest
I said softly...[whispered]'Time to die.'

Locked in mortal combat
Devil-God did fight like Mars
but my broadsword cloaked in entrails
caught him hopelessly OFFGUARD!

Today I bring his head back
on a pike for all to see
ah yes, one more thing my sons: ME!!!!!!!"

Same as Devil-God!
Devil-God the Underlorrrd!

Same as Devil-God!
Devil-God the Un-der-LORRRRRRRDDDD!

So that was the song. I guess you'd have to hear it, but it was pretty rockin'. Oh and you know how Public Enemy had those dudes who just stood on stage looking cool? These guys had goddamn squires. No joke, pageboy haircuts and everything. Totally f'ing awesome.

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Copyright © 2005-2013 Graham Cranfield