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My Inside Jokebook

I'm working on this new jokebook which is a compilation of inside jokes I've collected from across the country, and in some cases, the world. Below are some of my favorite selections.

Following that are two additional jokes which I suppose could be inside to some people, but I think are fairly easy to figure.


A farmer walks out of his house early in the morning to go milk the cows. On his way to the barn he trips over a duck. The duck says, "Should I tell Dave?"

***

Three friends are sitting in a bar arguing over who has the best wife. The first guy says, "My wife cooks me breakfast every morning and then does the dishes!" Then the next guy says, "That's nothing, my wife cooks me breakfast every morning, does the dishes and then we make love!" The third guy looks up and says, "You guys are so lucky. See you later, I need to get back to my Law School studies."

***

Two old men in a nursing home -
Feinman: "Say, Henderson, where do they keep the men's bathroom around here?"
Henderson: "You don't remember? What, do you have Alzheimer's?"
Feinman: "No, it's all this re-modeling."

***

A priest walks into a bar and runs into his best friend from childhood, who grew up to be a rabbi. The priest asks, "How, how could you become a rabbi? Your family was as Catholic as mine." The rabbi turns to him and says in a Cajun accent, "Guess ah should-uh eaten mah Wheeties!"

***

How do you stop two Chinese guys from fighting on an airplane?
Ask Ted.

***

Two newborns are in the hospital nursery talking about what it was like to be born. The first one says, "It was so strange, there I was floating in the dark, really warm and secure, when all of a sudden I was hanging upside down in a bright light, freezing my ass off." The second looks over and says, "You're lucky this isn't McTavish's Pub."

***

A newlywed couple goes to Vegas for their honeymoon. When they arrive at their hotel room they find the doorman and a maid having intense, vigorous sex in what was supposed to have been their bed. The doorman looks up and notices the couple standing aghast in the doorway. He stops his energetic displays with the maid and asks the couple, "You want fries with that?"

***

A German, an American, and a Scotsman are waiting outside the Pearly Gates when St Paul appears. "Before I can let you in," he begins, "you must answer the following question: What is the meaning of life?" The German puffs his chest and says proudly, "Beer, women, and country." The American says with a tear in his eye, "Freedom, family, and patriotism." The Scotsman looks around, confused, before finally stating, "Aye goota pee."

***

Two dogs have cornered a cat and begin discussing who gets to eat which parts. The first dog says, "I want the back legs, they are the most tender of all." The second dog says, "You can have the back legs, if you allow me the ribs." Upon hearing this, the cat smiles and says, "Eat my collar, too, so I'll look like a stray."

***

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Todd.
Todd who?
Todd.


Two that might be actual jokes

Two Russians are reminiscing about the old days of the Soviet Empire. The first says, "Do you remember when they put chains on the church doors and set fire to the synagogues?". The second replies, "Yes, but don't tell anyone."

***

What do you call three outhouses in Afghanistan? Well well well.

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