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Rejected Ideas, 1: Jim Morrison, Financial Guru

Whenever you're trying to come up with new ideas for what to write, you invariably get a few which sound promising. You then develop these ideas a bit further in the hopes that there actually is something worth continuing with. You weed out a couple more and finally end up with at least one idea you think is promising. Then, as you get further into developing those one or two pieces, you pretty much know what's going to work.

Sometimes, though, you do a lot of work and then realize, "Hey, that idea really isn't as good as I thought." At that point you have to decide whether it's better to keep working because you've put so much into it already and maybe it'll turn out fine, or ditch it because it's just not going to be that good no matter what.

I went with option C: save it for an article on rejected ideas. The premise of this bit is that Jim Morrison is alive and he's taken on a new career as a financial advisor/motivational speaker and this is the transcript of a recorded seminar. When I junked it I still hadn't finished a couple of areas, but I've made notations in the text where extra stuff was intended to go.


Is everybody in? Is everybody in? We're about to begin. [paper shuffling, general crowd noise] How's the food, good? You men eat your dinner, eat your pork and beans. I had chicken earlier so I'm okay. [unintelligible comment from audience] No, no, it was a lot.

Okay, so is everyone here ready to make some money?! [cheers] Do you want it all?! [more cheers] Robes, monkeys, diamond-studded flunkies - that can all be yours!!! [wild clapping and shouting] And I'm going to show you how!

Sir, you there, how did you start your day? [unintelligible response] You woke up this morning and you got yourself a latte. Sir, hello, won't you tell me your name? Merle? Okay Merle, tell me if this describes your financial attitude: "The future's uncertain and the past is always near." Is that about right? [affirmative nod] Right.

I'd be willing to bet 5-to-1 that describes most of the people in this room. Am I right? [gentle applause] Did you know 1 in 5 Americans spend more on coffee than on their retirement? It's true, we've done studies. They've got the funds but we got the numbers. People are strange.

Now you know that it would be untrue, you know that I would be a liar, if I was to say to you, "Merle, you can't ever retire."

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You must be ruthless with your clients, whoever they may be. For example, one day my dad says to me, "Son I'm going crazy from living on the land." I say I've got a boat I'm not even using, so he says he wants it for free.

I look him right in the eye and say, "Father?"

"Yes son?"

"I have to bill you. Mother? I want to...", oh wait, we're running out of time; I have to move on. This is best part of the presentation. The best part, I really like: How to protect your assets.

You're probably thinking, "Jim, can you give me sanctuary? I must find a place to hide, a place for me to hide all of my new-found income." My advice: invest in precious metals and keep it overseas; silver and gold in the mountains of Spain would be ideal.

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Before I go, no one here gets out without buying a copy of my new book on relationships, "I Need Someone Who Doesn't Need Me". Only $29.95. This is the end, end of the night. [exit music begins] Thank you all for coming, I've got some brand new friends, the end! [massive clapping and cheering; he exits stage left]

[whispering to the stage hand] When the music's over, turn out the lights.

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