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I Can't Afford to See: The Lookout

My friend, Tad, has been bothering me all week to let him write a movie review. Normally I wouldn't let Tad anywhere near the site, but I've been really busy and he said he'd be my best friend forever if I let him, so I gave in.

Okay, so I couldn't afford to see The Lookout, right? This movie is capital "A" fucking adequate! It's got that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun, but now he's all grown up. He looks pretty much the same just his head got longer. He plays this janitor or dishwasher or something, and he can't remember for shit! He has to write everything down or he's totally lost, like that guy on the Mentos commercial.

I don't know about you, but I would lose it if I couldn't remember anything. I'd probably be shittin' my pants by dinnertime 'cause I forgot to go to the b-room.

Anyways, he hooks up with this hot chick and it turns out the hot chick has a boyfriend who robs banks. Maybe he should have written down "If the chick you just banged has a boyfriend who robs banks, RUN!", but I guess he forgot to. So they make him the getaway driver. No, they make him the lookout I guess. Hence the title.

The bank robbery goes really well, some guy who looks like Carlos Santana gets shot. I think it really was Carlos making a cameo. He had a guitar strapped to his back and had a couple of Grammys in his hands. I didn't know you could deposit awards statues at the bank, but I guess the dude who owned the bank was cool or something. Not that cool, though, he gets shot in the nuts in slow motion.

Outside the bank, Lookout is looking out for himself! He hears the gunshots and gets all nervous. He runs into the bank and sees all the people laying on the ground being shot and stuff. He makes a quick note in his notebook, "This sucks!" and grabs one of the bags of money, then he runs back out. The hot chick and her boyfriend don't see it because they're having sex in the vault.

The boyfriend's got her bent over a giant bag of cash (it had a huge dollar sign on it) and he's going at it like a champ. She turns back and says, "I always knew you'd come into money!" People in the theater laughed when she said that, but I didn't see what was funny about her being able to see the future. It sorta freaked me, you know?

Cut to Lookout looking out the car window at the bank and getting super-nervous. I thought he was gonna throw up on himself. He takes a quick look at his last note and decides to just take off. Good choice! He guns it and tears down the avenue just as 30 cop cars show up. They must have figured he was a hostage who got free, so they don't pursue.

The whole police shootout thing is sorta boring so I'll sum it up quick: hot chick gets killed (bet she didn't see that "coming"!), and the dude has a jet-pack and a good set of maps.

By this point, I'm looking out at my watch wondering when the hell this is going to end. Luckily, there's not much more. Lookout has the money and the dead hot chick's bank robber boyfriend (I'll call him "Bobby"), is pretty pissed about it. He calls Lookout a bunch of times and's like, "Hey man where's the money? I want my money!"

Lookout's no fool. Well he sort of is what with the whole memory thing, but he's not stupid stupid. Carlos Mencia would totally rip on him! He'd probably make up some funny catchphrase for him like, "What, me worry?" Man, I love Carlos. DER DE DER! But back to the movie.

You've all seen on the previews where Lookout shouts into the phone, "I have the money! I have the power!" Turns out he's not talking to Bobby, though. He's actually answering a radio call-in quiz about the question, "What would He-Man say if he won the lottery?" He-Man was pretty strong. I get the metaphor.

Eventually Lookout decides to call Bobby back and talk about the money. He plays it super-cool, too. He flops down on the couch and talks all like he's just shootin' the shit. He's even wearing this big-ass crown and he tells Bobby he's wearing it. Bobby is understandably pissed and starts threatening to kill Lookout's family if he doesn't hand over the money.

Lookout thinks for a second and says real slow, "First, I spent all the money on this sweet crown. Second, I don't remember my family. Remember Bobby, or whoever this is, I can't remember!!!" Cut to Bobby looking like he's been had. Fade to black. Or I went to the can and when I got back the credits were rolling. Either one.

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