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The Top Ten Films of 2129

10 Saucerjockey Go Home!
All they want is a chance.
A gripping documentary of the Martian experience in America. Director Pingo Z. Pongo follows three Martian families as they struggle to make it against a system that seems determined to keep them down. Most heart-wrenching of all is the story of Peptin, a homeless Martian panhandling on the streets of Las Vegas who is reunited with his family after years of being held in the grips of a sour milk addiction. (PG, language)

9 Three Months to Love
There's still no cure for fate.
Twice-widowed alcoholic and failed father of three Dick Maverick is diagnosed with cancer and has just three months to make things right with his children. Along the way he meets Etta Fontaine, a wealthy socialite who has also been diagnosed with cancer. She, too, is trying to make things right with her own estranged and cancer-ridden children. Love comes quickly to these two, but when the priest who is set to marry them comes down with cancer, it's a race against time to forge the eternal bond. (R, scenes of drug use and oral rape)

8 A Stitch in Time
Eventually, everything comes back in fashion.
In 2081, fashion designer McNeil Lazarus contracted ebola simplex and decided to be cryogenically preserved until a cure could be found. Two hundred years later, all his friends are dead and he wakes up in a world whose hemlines he doesn't recognize. Now back at the design table, he's out to teach the new dogs some old tricks and bring 21st-century "taste-a" to the 23rd-century "waste-a"-land in this heart-warming slapstick comedy from the creators of The Koala Files and Finding Jesus: Stories of a Creditor. Soundtrack by Sophie Poundarder. (R, drug use/pantomime)

7 FleshCop
Half Man, Half Other Man, All Cop
His whole life, Ferdinand O'Leary wanted to be a Robocop. But on his first day out he's brutally attacked by ruthless gangsters and left for dead. Due to backorders at the factory, O'Leary's broken cybernetics must be replaced with the flesh-laden limbs of a cadaver. Without his gyroscopic sensors and machine-assisted movements he learns that maybe he's a better cyborg as a man than he ever was as a Robocop. (R+, violence/drug use/violence)

6 The V-Neck Connection
Something is amiss at the OIC
In the Office of Interpersonal Communications nothing goes unread, unheard or unseen. But when letters start being delivered still sealed and phone calls completed untapped, it's up to Agnes Woekel to get to the bottom of it. Stunning performances by Rancho Luxor and rapper-turned-actor Boss Pooper make this film (based on a true story) a must-see. In fact, you must see it or take a 30-day re-education course. (R, violence/language)

5 Beach Blanket Norway
Bikini This and Speedo That!
Your average teen fare, but boosted by some genuinely good acting and clean, entertaining music (courtesy of Jizzbin). Starring Drake "Lips" Lancer as the young townie who has one eye on the all-Norway surf contest and the other on Deidre (Phyllis Schooner), the "Virgin Queen of Oslo". Can he conquer the tube? (R, nudity/Norwegians)

4 Takin' Credits When Credits is Due
Money talks, and it always says "More."
Some say Detroit is no place to raise a family, most say it's been legally mandated. But whatever the reason, a young child is sure to face hard times and harder truths on those mean streets. Six year-old Lionel Trane joined the A-Moralz at three and fought his way to the top, making enemies with every step. Drugs, women, and the almighty credit are his only comfort as he tries to keep hold of his unsteady kingdom, and be in bed by 9. And of course, by now we're all familiar with the oft-repeated opening line, "Bitch this is 2129, it does suck itself!" (NC-12, violence/drug use/spelling bees)

3 Apeshit/Batshit
When the inmates take over the asylum, and the asylum is filled with animals, all hilarity breaks loose!
Due to cost overruns, Cedarwood Home has been forced to open its doors to the local zoo and its furry, and mentally questionable, characters. Worse yet, it's the weekend of the big Psychiatrists Conference and all the doctors are gone. See the first and only "chimp versus human" poop fling-off! Watch a rhino with a loose hold on reality impale catatonics by the anus! No one is safe as the tiger who thinks he's Jesus starts "laying on hands" and tearing orderlies to ribbons (and keeping us in stitches!). (PG, language/violence/llamas)

2 4444
The day we lost our innocence...again.
No one can forget the events of April 4th, 2144 when a Zeppelin piloted by Bigfoot crashed into the Hug Center killing 18,000 hugging enthusiasts. After that day we were never the same as a people and, as our war against the Abominable Snowmen continues, we must be reminded lest we lose faith. Starring Simon-Paul Josephson as President Sanjay and introducing 8-foot-tall semi-professional illusionist and mohair aficionado Benny Warwick as Bigfoot. (R, hugging/genocide)

1 Persona 2129
Ingmar Bergman's classic film of identity is re-imagined for our times
Zelda is a tired, old spinster with large breasts at 28; no hope, no friends, no love. When she unexpectedly hits the 41 million credit lottery, she decides it's time to make some friends, and how! Enter Zeldar, Zelda's perfect age-advanced clone from Doublex Corporation. But can Zelda, so desperate to find a personal connection, and Zeldar, so innocent of the world, ever truly be their own selves? Or are they feeding off one another with such rapidity that their DNA-identical identities become forever intertwined? (R, lesbian clone sex/confusion/Swedes)

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