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Six Scenes from "Where There's Smoke, There's Murray"

I don't know how much TV you watch, but I caught this great show the other night called Where There's Smoke, There's Murray. It's a sitcom about this guy, Murray, who cooks meth and his loving wife (Helen), two irrepressible kids (Lex and Luger) and his whacky hippie neighbor, Almost. It's an odd show, but mostly family-friendly and I thought anyone out there looking for something new to watch should know about it.

As far as the cast, the only person I recognized was Almost, who was played by semi-namesake Terry James Olmos (brother of Edward). Everyone else I believe is a relative newcomer. Here's to their success!

I transcribed what I could (I have near photographic memory when it comes to audio), so give it a read and see what you think. Oh, but it's not in the order it went on the show, my mind sort of jumbled it. Sorry.

[Opening scene]
Murray: What's going on here?
Lex & Luger (together): We're starting a meth lab!
Murray: You kids are starting a mess lab is more like it! Are those my oven mitts? I wondered where these came from. (holds up heavily blistered and burned hands)
Lex & Luger (together): We're sorry...
Murray: That's okay, just don't let it happen again.
(this scene was replayed every five minutes)
Almost: Murray, look! I've taught Dwight Yoakum here to respect crickets. (drops a cricket in front of his hound dog. Dog is disinterested) Ain't that somethin'?
Murray: That's great.
Almost: Yeah, hey Murray the wife is out of town and I'm, uh, not exactly a wonder in the kitchen. You mind if I have breakfast here?
Murray: Sure man, go grab a handful of Comet out the kitchen. (Almost disappears into kitchen, reappears moments later)
Almost: Thanks Murray, (spooning Comet from his hand into his mouth) you're a lifesaver!
[Final scene]
Helen: Oh honey, I think I'm getting a cold.
Murray: Oh no dear, hold on, let me get you some cold medicine. (starts to get up, pauses. Helen cracks a smile.) You almost had me there.
Helen: (laughs) That was almost too easy!
Murray: (laughing) You're too smart for me sometimes, you know that? But really, do you have a cold?
Helen: Oh yeah, yeah. I feel like shit.
Helen & Murray: (both become calm, then glace at each other, begin laughing hysterically)
[Freeze frame; roll credits]
[A knock at the door]
Helen: Who is it?
Maxwell: You know who it is! It's Maxwell, your landlord, and you're two weeks late on the rent.
Helen: Oh Mr.Maxwell!
Murray (from couch): Don't listen to him, he's from the CIA.
Helen: Mr.Maxwell we'll have it for you in two days. I promise.
Maxwell: You'd better, or it's back on the streets for you and yours.
(Helen sits on couch with Murray)
Helen: Oh what'll we do, Murray? He sounded angry.
Murray: Aw, Max ain't so bad. I'll go talk to him later. He just misses his son; killed over in Iraq you know.
Helen: Well that's just terrible. And with him being in the CIA and all.
Murray: What CIA? Who told you that? Maxwell's an old railroad man. Retired in '78.
Helen: Retired in 1978? Well how old was his son then?
Murray: What son?
Helen: Oh Murray, you've been in the kitchen too long.
Murray: Maybe so. That reminds me, I gotta clean the that stove. Where's the oven cleaner?
Helen: You cooked the rest of it last night. That's why the stove is so messy today.
Murray: Well ain't that some Gift of the Magi bullshit.

Murray: Great dinner, honey. What do you call it?
Helen: Brown sugar.
Murray (proudly): Brown sugar. Sounds fancy. You sure we can afford it?
Helen: Oh I have my ways.
Lex: She kissed Mr.Maxwell's lap for it, I saw her!
Luger: Me too!
Murray: Lex, Luger, upstairs now! I'll be up to deal with you two later; but for now, no dinner!
Lex: Aw we never have dinner.
Murray: What do you call this?!
Luger: It's sugar, dad; sugar! Sugar is not a meal.
Murray: Well you two sure have been eating it like one.
Luger: There's no other food in the house, unless you count antifreeze and flea medication as food.
Murray: Either of you got fleas?
Lex & Luger (together): No...
Murray: I rest my case. Now get up to your rooms.
(kids go upstairs; they yell from their room)
Lex: Dad, there's a man in our room!
Murray: Oh that's just Swan. He's crashing here tonight.
Luger: Swan crashes here every night!
Murray: You calling me a liar?
Lex & Luger (together): No...
Murray (turning back to his plate): This is some killer sugar, honey.

Almost: Check it out Murray, I taught Clint Black here to respect crickets. (drops a cricket in front of his hound dog. Dog is disinterested) Ain't that somethin'?
Murray: What happened to Dwight Yoakum?
Almost: Fuck I know? Did some shitty movies, what, how the fuck should I know?
Murray: Hey man you hungry? You want some lunch?
Almost: Shit yeah! I ain't eaten since breakfast.
Murray: How about a Stacker sandwich?
Almost: I don't know, sounds intense.
Murray: Fuck yeah it's intense, motherfucker.
Almost: Can I still drive if I eat it?
Murray: Shit yeah; you can drive to the moon.
Almost: The moon? Far out.
Murray: Fuck that hippie shit and eat.
Almost: Can I give some to my dog?
Murray: I guess so. Dwight Yoakum's gotta eat too. He looks hungry.
Almost: Yeah I guess that's why he done all them shitty movies.

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Copyright © 2005-2013 Graham Cranfield